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By Kimberley Kelly
Don't do this to me. Not today Satan. I'm serious. Is this it? Nope. What's that noise? Oh sweet mother of god he's coming over. Pretend to be busy. The bag. Look for something in the handbag *pulls out a pen in a paperless office - smooth*
How are you getting on? he says to me. Well Michael, it's day 3 in the office and I'm playing the role of junior developer. Did I mention I've next to no experience, without a degree? I taught myself for several months and had the audacity to show up here thinking I was smart enough to push through. I know, what a rascal am I right? hahahahaha *over exaggerated laugh* Hopefully this one doesn't come as a shock but I'm also what's known as a "blonde female". I'm actually coming to the conclusion I'm the sole reason us blondes get that dumb stereotype, but for what its worth, it's out of a L'Oreal bottle. What I'm really trying to say is do I still have this job or have you figured out I'm a big fat fraud pulling the wool over everyone's eyes?
Just kidding. I didn't say anything of the sort. I replied with a "Yeah alright thanks, good yup!" and for the several months that followed I carried my laptop and self doubt into the office hoping today wouldn't be the day they shout "IMPOSTEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"
So. You guessed it. I had major imposter syndrome. I had never heard of the term until I started to talk about how I was actually feeling with a close friend. If the term is unfamiliar to you, by definition imposter syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". While early research focused on the prevalence among high achieving women, imposter syndrome has been recognized to affect both men and women equally.
For me imposter syndrome by definition was sleepless nights, constant doubt over my ability, a feeling of overwhelming doom, hunched shoulders, anxiety of being caught out, low self-esteem, many tears shed in the women's bathroom. I would continue to be the only woman in the office for the next three years and when I think back, I realize how nice it would have been to have had another woman walk in on my snotty nose and streaky mascara. I mean definitely
awkward to begin with for sure… but I bet it would have made all the difference. Anyways, the list could go on and on but I think you get the picture - it was messy.
I wanted to share this experience because now that I’m no longer in that place, I can see how it was almost necessary for my development in becoming a mentally stronger and overall happier woman. Don’t get me wrong, that is not to say I don't have days when I question my ability or intelligence, get frustrated with not being able to solve a problem straight away or even the day after. I definitely still get anxiety, especially before a meeting. I'm certainly not an expert on this subject but I want you to know that if you are feeling this way, that you are not alone and it will pass.
Here is a list of things that I believe helped me and I hope in some way can help you too:
1. I started to talk about it. It's a known fact about imposter syndrome that most of us who are suffering from it, don't talk about it. Yet it is so common, in the UK alone 70% of us suffer from it at some point in our lives. I was amazed at the number of friends and colleagues I confided in who had experienced imposter syndrome or could at least relate on some level to what I was going through. Talk to someone you feel comfortable with or find a mentor in the industry who can offer support and words of encouragement .
2. I made a list of my achievements. We are so quick to remember the mistakes we make that we almost forget to remember the good. I'd recommend keeping a note of every victory you make - including the ones that seem small. The first bug I fixed in my code on my own was super easy looking back, but at that point in time it was new and difficult.
3. I read about imposter syndrome. I figured that knowledge is power and I took comfort in knowing it was a very real common thing. I realized I had been feeling very weak but make no mistake that imposter syndrome is not a weakness. Albert Einstein even had it and from what I hear guys, he was the real deal.
4. I started being kinder to myself. Replace the negative thoughts with kinder ones. It takes practice and it can feel a little fake at times - especially when you don’t really believe it yet. We are learning more and more that our thoughts become us, so my advice is to stick with it. For some good reads from people who are actually experts on this subject (and not the software engineer who is going all hippy on you) - I recommend "You are a Badass" by Jen Sincero, "The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel and “Atomic Habits” by James Clear .
5. I stopped comparing myself to others. Another difficult one especially when you are on social media and I still need to remind myself to not do this. However, it's such a waste of time and energy. You have no idea the journey that colleague who seems to have it all figured out has been on. You don't know the mental state of that beautiful girl on Instagram who is constantly flaunting the latest designer handbag.
6. I recognized my knowledge gaps and I did something about it. There are always areas for improvement. I for one certainly had a lot to learn (and still do) but my time management wasn't the best which would leave me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I'd recommend having an honest chat with yourself on what areas you need to work on and schedule out a plan to achieve getting there. Remember that Rome wasn't built in a day and you aren't going to know everything tomorrow. However, actively and regularly working on self improvement will give you new found confidence.
7. I helped someone who also had imposter syndrome. This someone is an insanely smart and skillful developer and I almost fell off my chair when I found out that they had been feeling the same way I did. It's a great feeling being able to remind someone how brilliant they are, try it and see how you feel.
8. I challenged the negative thoughts. Really Kim? You have really fooled this entire room of super smart people? Are you a trained hypnotist? magician? No. The reality is that you worked really hard to get to this point and yes you are the least experienced but you earned your place with persistence, discipline and a hell of a lot of patience. If you start to bat those thoughts away and look at the reality of the situation, you'll realize that you ain't so bad after all.
9. Try not to blame the imposter syndrome on other people. Trust me, I completely understand that you can work for/with a complete * insert highly inappropriate but justified word of your choice here * and while these people can really affect your mental health and make life seem utterly disappointing, the reality is that you are most likely not going to be able to change them and quite frankly it’s not your job to. Focus on what you can control, which is your thoughts and attitude and walk away from anything that no longer serves you.
10. I’ll leave this one here in all of its glory - Drink more water. Honestly. Your mind will thank you for it.
About the Author
Kimberley is an entrepreneur and software engineer with several years experience working in a male dominated tech industry. At the end of last year, Kimberley left her position with a Google Partnership to focus on her startup - a web platform that connects disabled talent to opportunities in the entertainment, advertising and media industry.
Kimberley is currently offering free mentorship for anyone who is seeking a career in tech - think of her as your coding cheerleader!
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